Adjusting/Readjusting

I just miss you.

I am still adjusting to life without you in it,and it is still quite odd.    There are still times that I hear you call for me, although that is happening less and less.    I am just starting to realize that I don’t need to rush home for your  day care bus and  that I don’t need to buy your ensure shakes at the grocery store. That you are not sleeping late.  That I don’t need to get your prescriptions.  No plate for you at dinner.They called from the doctors office  the other day – to schedule your annual hearing check.   All little adjustments to the day.  

Those realizations are…….. well I am not quite sure what they are, not really a slap in the face, but more like a simple awareness that momentarily saddens me.  I’m not as sobbing kind of sad as I was at first mom, but, times like,  right now as I’m writing this, I get that lump in the throat back, and my eyes well up,  but I’m okay, really.  I just miss you. We all do.  We are supporting each other.

Talking about you in the past tense is difficult.

I wish you would show me “a sign” or “visit” me so I would know you are okay too.

 Is that stupid/silly of me?  I just miss you.

 I still expect to share everything with you, I want to explain how Iraida’s surgery went, or that Barbara is doing great at quitting smoking and that Megan almost hit a deer today, Katie is at her last class tonight, Rookie licked a hole in your chair, and yes the chickens are fine in the cold weather.   I borrowed your scarf, the one you had hanging on your mirror in your room, it coordinates with my new gloves perfectly and I didn’t think you would mind.

Our mother /daughter plant has so many new shoots on it and Megan’s has actually started to regrow!

Last year when you were sick with the flu and pneumonia  and our mother/daughter plant started wilting, I thought it was a sign that you were not going to pull through.  This plant has so much significance for us,  however I guess I read too much into it, a little bit like I am doing now, what do all these new shoots (daughters) mean?  If anything?

It has been emotionally difficult trying to get all of your “affairs” in order.  Although, the odd side to that is that when everything is finally done, what will I have to do for you?  I think I will miss the time with you, if that is what it is.

I’ve had to explain so many times;

  “my mom has recently passed away…”

 … when selling your car.  … when cancelling your car insurance.  … when closing accounts.  … when sending paperwork to the life insurance company.  … when ordering your marker for the cemetery. etc.

Although everyone,  in each situation has been kind and offering their condolences, I have started to feel they are just words that I really can no longer hear or find meaning in them.  It is not their fault, there isn’t much else people can say.

However my responses have started to be a little bit more involved, rather than the simple thank you, I expand a little, just letting them know a little bit more. …

” I am sorry, please accept our condolences for the loss of your mother”

my response:

“thank you , I still , I think I  always  will miss her terribly, but I am so grateful for the years we had together, she was just so much more than my mom”

Sometimes that response creates a little more conversation  but certainly a smile or another comment that places you someplace other than a simple condolence and then I can always find something fun to say.

“I am so lucky, luckier than most, and I  have so many great memories”

or

“Strong, funny woman, she was”

or

“She was definitely my hero in so many ways”

I feel that empty spot where you always were – I just miss you.

 

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