“I’m doing it Mom, I’m suppose to, I know”

Everyday….. I still miss you.

“That lump in he back of my throat .. will it ever completely  go away?”

Pictures pop up in “my memories” , and I smile, usually …….. sometimes, I cry, still.

There is still so much more we should have been able to share – so much is still happening, and you would love it.

Part of me felt like  …   oh, I don’t know,  that “things/life” might stop or slow down after you left,  kind of like, life would wait for me to adjust and catch up, but it hasn’t  at all,  it has just been  another adjustment, another unwanted  change, does that make sense?

I know the adage “life goes on”,  but there is a part of my life that seems to be frozen as I try  to move on.

You are still “part of ” everything, the things  that I do and the things that I see and the things that I say,  and the things that I hear, you are still just such a part of me.  

Luke was born 10 days ago, and I can hear you now talking about his piano fingers… he really does have piano fingers too.. and toes.  He is the first of my grandchildren you didn’t get to meet.  There is still another one coming mom,  I can’t believe they won know you.  I’ll  make sure and the girls will make sure to  share our stories about you.

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mom with the 4 grands

We missed you so much at York this year, so strange.  You were there, to some extent,  with me and I could hear you talking about our first trip there when Katie was 6 weeks old.  I had my margarita alone, looking out over the water  and I toasted you, and thanked you again for suggesting..

“just throw our toothbrushes in a bag, and lets just go”

 those 33 years ago…  our “adventures”, we called them.

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2019 – I still want to say “look at what we did mom” every time I look at this growing crew

 

All of our adventures were fun, (before and after my kids) Colorado, Yellowstone, Kansas, New Hampshire, Maine,  Florida, PEI,  and York, you always enjoyed the adventures.

I missed you at Megan’s choir performance  this year and Paxton’s first  dance recital, the family reunion, and ……..breakfast today.

Every time  I look at the clouds in the sky I hear you saying

“what a beautiful sky today”  and it usually is.

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Rob was traveling a couple of weeks ago, ( I remember,every time he was away how you would ask everyday if he was home yet, right up until he got home) and Megan came up with the girls for a few days… you would have LOVED it.

Paxton and Timmy still talk about you, that makes me so happy and so sad at the same time… I want you to know they  are talking about you, they still question, where you are.  Just today Paxton said “nana is a good yarner” as she saw one of the crochet dinosaurs you made for Megan and Katie.

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Timmy with one of the dinosaurs Nana crochet

 

I wanted you with me when I had to say goodbye to Moses….I could just about see the  sadness in your face, we have been through it before.   Moses missed you too, when you left.

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I miss your wit, your laugh, your smile, your  attitude,  all parts of it, you kept me grounded my whole life,  you saved me, definitely my hero, I know you didn’t think so but you did and you were.

I miss you  through each of  the  cookouts and holidays. How exciting each holiday was,   not just  because of the people, but  the  food… you complained about making peanut butter balls… but you still did it…  you made the best gravy…. even if you fell asleep during the process.

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I think of you when I look at  Rookie.  Rookie  is  getting chubby,  mom.. its my fault now…its,  not you anymore.  I feel like you have something to do with me actually dropping food on the floor for her, and at the same time, I can hear you “aww, why can’t she have that little piece”? I knew you were sneaking her treats, you know.

rookie and mom napping

I think of you  as I look at the weeds growing up between the rocks in the patio (your job to pull them) and I just cant keep up with it…. why didn’t you complain more about that task?

mom picking weeds

Whenever we get ice cream, I think of you, years ago with our late night runs to DQ for our peanut buster parfaits  right up until your 90th birthday and our ice cream trip to west end.

sundaes for dinner

I think of you when someone wants to take a photo.. we are suppose to smile and say cheese…… or not.

I think of you when the wind blows, it always cooled you too much, I think of you when someone talks about delicious cookies, you and your sweet tooth, I think of you during the season of fresh corn, your farm days and how you loved your corn, I think of you when I plop in bed at the end of the day with that satisfying sigh and I remember  “the bed was a great invention” your comment as you snuggled into your own bed at the end of the day.

Missing you hasn’t gone away it has become part of my life,

part of my day,  missing you.

 I carry you around in my heart now.

I seem to be able to recall so many great memories and they are becoming less muddied with  my sadness of missing you, instead they make me smile more now.

I still turn, it starts out enthusiastically,  to find you,  to tell you something, share a story or something the kids might have said or done, or that you are still getting mail, until, I remember you aren’t there, however fleeting,  it still  hurts, momentarily,  once again.

But then I  tell myself … I am so lucky , so lucky for so many reasons,  the best one by far, is that I had you and you truly were my best friend and  having you as long as I did, it was great, wasn’t it? all of it and everything we shared.

I still have a great life now, mom. I just didn’t want to go on without sharing it  with you.  I am though, I’m doing it. I am suppose to, I know. I just wasn’t sure how that was going to happen.

Such a strange feeling….

….. how my world can be so empty and so full at the same time. With all of the wonderful  happenings in my life,  and yet,  I have this missing piece. You.

mother daughter plant

Cheers,  mom, to you,  my best friend, always in my mind and forever in my heart.

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