Christmas Without You

She’s been gone for 3 months today.

The first Christmas of my life without her…..

I hung her Christmas stocking so that it was touching mine, I wanted her near me and I wasn’t sure how to do that. (I couldn’t seem to get her close to me)

No presents for her this year and no crochet dish-clothes from her. (Not getting gifts for her was a strange feeling, I thought about it everyday and even saw things she would have enjoyed receiving)

She would have loved the tree this year.

She would have loved that her Christmas cactus is blooming at Christmas and not Thanksgiving this year (true Christmas cactus). 

She would have smiled at all of the kids energy yesterday (Christmas Eve).

 

She would have wanted her Baileys, and I would have made sure to have it for her.

She would have put up the manger. (It isn’t up this year)

She would have enjoyed all of the amazing food.

She would have been waiting for flowers from Bruce. ( she would received them by now)

She would have been waiting for phone calls from Scot and Rob and always a unique little package and visit from Barbara.

She would have asked what the dogs were getting for Christmas. (Making sure they were not left out)

She would have talked about some of the old ornaments on the tree and about Christmases past. (I would have listened as if it were the first time I’d heard)

Oh , do I miss her!

It isn’t just today,  on Christmas, that I miss her …….

….but the daily routine that has had to change, a new routine needs to be developed and I’m trying, I’m just  not quite there yet.

Funny, because some days I am very sad that she is not still with me. Mostly though, it’s a lonely feeling in my heart and for some reason I keep expecting it to go away….. but it isn’t.

Not a day, an hour or a minute goes by without mom in my mind, and still every second she is in my heart.

wait…. Is that blue bird looking in the window……. no, I don’t believe that stuff. (Do I?) But he’s back again, in the same spot, looking in the window…

Walking by her room everyday was/ has been the most difficult. Her clothes are still in her drawers in her bureau and hanging in her closet.

Her angel figurines are still in place on her dresser.

however,  I moved her bed and brought all of my grandchildren’s toys into moms room. I put the stuffed animals that mom once upon a time crochet on display and for the kids to play with. I put the djembe drum out for the kids to play ,  (she would love that)  and we always put the photo of mom playing her drum back on it when the kids are done.

 

 

The paintings she made at day care are now hanging on the walls, she may have thought at times they were silly but they bring us all so much joy now, they are cheery and bright.

I’ve been looking for photos of her with each of her great grandchildren, so that I can hang them up for each of them to see.

“she was real and she loved you”, 

I want her to live on, if only in memory.

I want us all to remember the fun, the  funny moments, the fun times that we shared with her…. and we will.

 

I knew I would miss you mom,

I just didn’t know how different everything would be without you.